Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
