Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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