I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
