That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
