and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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