I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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