Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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