I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Randomize
