So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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