We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
