i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
