My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
