if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
