i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
