I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
