Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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