Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
whose parrot is this?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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