After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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