so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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