If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
