Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
