if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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