dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
