question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I can't turn off my feet"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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