i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
