I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
