The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
