Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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