i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
