and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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