Non-Jews are for practice
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
