Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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