He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
