well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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