Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
