apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
