i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
