I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
