Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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