he thought i was a dude.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
