I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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