Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
