I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
