between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Randomize