she smelled like a LAN party
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
