I think my fart just growled at me.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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