So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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