I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
