You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
you're hired as official boob wrangler
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
