I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
