I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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