Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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