I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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