shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
