i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Randomize
