you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Randomize
