theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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