You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
